Weeks 16 - 18

The Good:

On January 5, 2012, I received a letter and some chocolates from a student. Through November, December, and over winter break, I had worked with this student to perfect her personal statement for UCs and private universities. It was an amazing experience, and I feel confident that this young woman will be accepted to many universities. She will have the opportunity to choose her future path.

The letter that she gave me was thoughtful and kind, and it reenergized me and made me feel appreciated. Too many students just walk through teachers door without a word of praise or gratitude. To some students, teachers are just immovable figures in their lives; we are in their way of fun and socialization. But, a few students, like Y*****, take the time to recognize the hard work that we do. Maybe those few even realize the influence their teachers have in the development of their minds and souls…

Her letter challenged me to look back at the teachers in my life who fundamentally changed how I saw my world and myself. While each of my teachers, coaches, and professors have taught me something of value, Jill Thomas, Jabari Mahiri, Greta Vollmer, Verda Delp, Mira Katz, Thaine Stearns, Cito Williams, Bob Coleman, Mr. Randall, Mr. Schulz, Ms. Benjamin, Mrs. Wright have been the most influential. Thank you!

Y*****’s letter:

“Thank you for all the support you have given me throughout the year. It really meant a lot to realize that there was one teacher who really wanted to help me on my personal statement. You take out the time to talk with your students and that speaks for itself. Thank you, Ms. Oliver!”

The Bad:

I’m tired all of the time. ALL OF THE TIME!

The Ugly:

I had a horribly ugly interaction with a student this week. On Wednesday, this particular young man, Tomas, came into class late. When he realized that there wasn’t a chair at his desk, he dragged a chair across the floor, which was loud and distracting to the students who were working on the day’s guided free-write. When I asked him to pick-up the chair, he looked at me and continued to drag it. I looked up to see my students wide-eyed at his clear defiance. I even heard a student say, “You’re rude. Pick up the freaking chair.” I didn’t want to start the first fifteen minutes of class negatively, so I took a few deep breaths to control my temper and moved on. That was probably my first bad move of the day.

After the guided free-write, I gave the students the rest of the period to work on their research papers, which were due at the end of the week. I knew that I had to meet with a couple students about their papers, so I didn’t take the time to talk to Tomas. That was my second mistake.

While working with a student, I noticed that Tomas was walking around the class distracting students who were trying to work on their papers. Three times, I asked him to sit down and get to work. He didn’t.

After finishing my writing conference, I went up to Tomas and asked to see his work to assess his progress. He said, “I don’t have anything. It’s at home. I’m not going to work on it here.” I replied, “Okay. I would like to talk to you outside then.” I followed him out the door.

I was clear that he felt like he had the upper hand in the conversation – probably because I had allowed his blatant disrespect to exist in our class for most of the period and others before that. (I think I allowed it because I have a first-year-teacher motto: “Choose your battles WISELY!” Going head-to-head with Tomas was a battle that didn’t feel wise to choose. My lack of action was my biggest mistake.)

Outside, I began the conversation with, “Tomas, the way that you are disrespecting me and your classmates is not acceptable. Your attitude has to change.”

“How am I disrespecting my classmates?” was his reply, making it clear that he knew how he was disrespecting me.

“Coming to class unprepared and then distracting your classmates who are prepared and who are trying to work is a form of disrespect,” I said.

No response.

“So, why are you being blatantly disrespectful in the classroom?” was my next question.

“I’m just treating you how you treat us.”

“So, I treat you and your classmates with blatant disrespect?” His comment caught me off guard. Thousands of thoughts went through my head. Do I really treat my students poorly?

“Yeah. You like have this tone.”

“Always?”

“No. But, a lot.”

“Wow! Thank you for checking me on this. It has never been my intention to treat you nor your classmates with disrespect. I will reflect on my actions and my tone. But, still this doesn’t change the fact that you came to class unprepared and distracted your classmates. How can I check you on your behavior with seeming disrespectful? You haven’t come to class prepared once during this entire project.”

“Yes, I have!”

“No, you haven’t, Tomas. You didn’t turn in your research packet, your outline, your first draft, or your second draft. I haven’t seen any work from you for over a month. How am I supposed to address that without seeming disrespectful?”

His face changed. “I don’t know. You just expect too much.”

“So, you want me to lower my standards? You want me to bring the bar down, instead of encouraging you to live up to your potential?”

No response.

“I know that we don’t have the best relationship. And, I know that you don’t want to be in this class because you make that apparent every time you walk into the door. But, I see your potential. And, of course, I get disappointed when you don’t live up to that potential. Do you want me to not be disappointed? Do you want me to lower my expectations of you? Well, I’m not willing to do that. I hope you realize that my disappointment is not a form of disrespect.”

No response.

“However, if you and your classmates really feel that I am treating you disrespectfully, I just want you to know that I will change. I care about you all a lot. I do respect you all. I just get frustrated and disappointed in the apathy that I see sometimes.”

He finally spoke. “They don’t all feel that way,” he said. He told me the truth. My students don’t all feel disrespected by my tone. I felt relieved for a moment. But, then I realized that the student in front of me still felt disrespected by me.

“Tomas, it is your choice to turn in work and adhere to deadlines. I cannot control whether or not you choose to do those things. However, making sure that my students have a productive workspace is something I am responsible for controlling. Please do not distract your classmates when you come to class unprepared. And, I truly hope that you choose to do your paper because you are capable of being very successful in this class. You just need to buy into it.”

We shook hands and went back into the classroom.

This conversation is burned into mind because I experienced so many emotions during it – anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, empathy, just to name a few. This job is so challenging because you are dealing with people – kids – who have complicated feelings and minds and emotions and backgrounds… It’s a lot, and it’s hard. Too hard sometimes…