Week Seven

The Good:


I'm excited to report that there was a lot of good in my classroom experiences this week. I left this week feeling exhausted, but happy (yes, happy). I felt like my students truly learned something (well, many things) this week. Feeling "effective" helped me to close the week with a smile on my face. I guess I was surprised by this because, according to my colleagues, October is traditionally the month where teacher morale is the lowest. However, my morale is quite high because I finally feel like I am gaining some head way with my students. Hopefully, this feeling will continue and last throughout the ENTIRE month. :)

Highlight #1 --
My mom came to speak to my young women's empowerment group (RAW) on Friday. My mother is a physician who specializes in women's health and adolescent care. And, she has a great deal of experience speaking to groups of young women about sex, sexuality, body image, STIs, etc. So, I invited her to speak to my group.

RAW usually only meets on Thursdays during the school day. So, I took a risk when I asked my ladies to stay after school on a FRIDAY for my mom's presentation and question/answer session. The whole day, I worried about how many ladies would actually show up. Once again, my wonderful ladies surprised me. Fifteen young women voluntarily showed up for my mom's talk AND stayed an additional ten minutes beyond the scheduled meeting time. It was easy to see the engagement on their faces as my mom humbly and thoughtfully answered their poignant and sometimes piercing questions. One young woman asked, "How do you keep your self-esteem up when you had sex with your boyfriend, but then he leaves you?" My mother did her best to field that question, but both she and I ended up crying during her response. I watched, amazed, as my mother tried to pour all of her knowledge into the young women who eagerly listened. It was beautiful.

But, I don't think we had enough time... I left feeling like some of my young women do not have enough knowledge to make informed decisions about sex. I'm scared for and worried about them. But, then I forced myself to reflect on what I knew when I was 16. I didn't have enough information either. My "sexual" life since then has been full of choices (some good, some bad), and I have learned so much from each decision. And, I don't think I would have wanted it any other way...

However, after my mom's presentation, I think I felt what it must feel like to be a mom ... I didn't want any of my young women to experience the pain that I have felt -- the regret, the guilt, the frustration. I wanted to tell them everything that I know and that I have learned so that they would never make any of the mistakes that I made. I realized how much I love them, and how much it will break my heart if one of them gets hurt. And, then, I thought about my mom, and I empathized with her -- how she raised three daughters and watched all of them grow, make mistakes, love and be loved. My respect for my mother (and all mothers, in general) grew infinitely. Therefore, I have decided that teaching and parenting are THE most challenging (yet rewarding) jobs in the world, and I plan to do BOTH of them. Am I crazy?

Highlight #2:
On Friday, my school had a town hall meeting (like a rally) to celebrate Latino Heritage Month. It was an incredible event, full of poetry, songs, presentations, and soccer! Despite of all this, what stands out the most about the event was our student body's response to my supervisor, Alejandra.

At the beginning of the town hall meeting, Alejandra welcomed the students. The students were excited about the event (and about NOT being in class), so they were quite rowdy. She said, "Raise one hand if you can see my hand." Everyone in the gym raised his/her hand. Then, she said, "Okay. Now, when my hand goes down, I want the culture of respect." As her hand fell to her side, the ENTIRE student body stopped talking and began listening attentively. It was amazing.

I hope to one day command students' respect like that. Alejandra had EARNED it through hard work, dedication, and unconditional love. I feel so blessed to have a woman like that as my boss.

The Bad:
On Wednesday, I had my first feelings in class that were tied to the idea of students "liking" me. Many teachers (including myself) say or think to themselves, "I don't need my students LIKE me. I want them to learn from me, trust me, and respect me." Despite the hardships that I have had establishing authority in the classroom, I had never thought or cared about the students liking me until Wednesday. I don't know why Wednesday was so significant, but as I was teaching, I found myself wondering, "Do they like me?"

I caught myself quickly and tried to put the thought aside, remembering that their learning is not tied to their feelings toward me. Still, I felt a little sad -- for a moment. I feel like the work I do is so public. I'm constantly "selling" myself and my beliefs and my pedagogy. I make myriad decisions on the spot everyday, and I spend endless hours developing lesson plans, creating handouts and PowerPoints, and grading papers. It's overwhelming sometimes. And, it's frustrating to know that I will rarely receive a "thank you" from my students in recognition of my work.

But, I'm resilient, and I will continue to do this (sometimes thankless) work week after week. I am committed because I have learned that the "thank yous" come in the most unique and beautiful forms:

• a student (who you though actually hated you) asking you to be the leadership teacher because she thinks you would be good at it 
• a student texting you to ask for your advice
• a student saying, "I'm in my teacher's parents' car, getting a ride home and eating a cookie. This is so cool!"
• a student telling you that "a bunch" of our vocabulary were on the SAT, and he knew them all
• a student telling my mom, "You have the most wonderful daughter"
• a student giving you a hug EVERYDAY before 6th period, even though he's not in your class

Those are the events that make this chaotic job worth it.

The Ugly:
I really didn't experience any "ugly" things this week -- just the usual ups and downs of this work.

However, I still think that the process of developing a classroom management style is quite ugly. It's a much bigger part of the job than I originally thought... I'm learning and experimenting, and I often feel quite inept. But, Ms. Sylvia Barrett (my mentor teacher) and my thesis advisor (from UC Berkeley) do see improvement and always give my thoughtful feedback.

My thesis advisor from UC Berkeley observed my class on Thursday. He praised my lesson plan, my pacing, my effective integration of technology, and my small group and one-on-one interactions with students. His only piece of constructive criticism was about my classroom management style. At the end of the period, after almost one hour of work time (split between a structured online exploration of personal statements and time to make-up of homework assignment that only three of my students completed on-time), I was struggling to get the class's undivided attention for announcements. After repeating, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention," three times, I said with exasperation, "Just give my two minutes of your time...Let me get this out."

My thesis advisor helped me to reflect on and realize that phrases like the ones above take away my authority as a teacher. I need to be more aware of the things I say when I am frustrated, and I need to work harder to command my students' respect and attention.

I'm a work in progress :)